The Temple

I am here on hands and knees,

Scrubbing at the floors of the temple of my heart.
Every part of my body aches at the effort.
The floor is covered.
Blackened with dirt and suet.
Slowly over the years this temple has been abused,
Vandalized by others but even more sadly by me.
I am ashamed as I look at its neglected beauty.
So I am here on hands and knees
pouring my soul into this.
Scrubbing till my fingers bleed.
My tears mixing with the water as I frantically cleanse.
And just when I am close to giving up,
on the verge of jumping off the edge into the darkness,
A single ray of sunlight makes its way
though fogged glass and shines onto
the floor of this temple.
My breath is force out of my body in a long shuddering gasp.
A single tile on this massive floor shines under the light.
It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
It is like pearl, changing colour under the sparkle of the sun.
Its glimmer holds the answers and whispers the truth.
And in that moment,
when everything had just felt so hopeless,
I realize that everything is going to be ok.
I will be ok.

G©

Dirt.

I have burrowed under ground.

Deep into the earths core.

Surrounded by moist dirt and warm shadows.

I feel safe here.

Almost like I have regressed back to the womb.

I lie in fetal position,

listening to the muffled world above.

Please just leave me to the darkness.

Leave me to the silence.

Let me feel nothing,

even if it is only for a while.

Let the world forget me and let me forget the world.

For a moment, please just let me be.

G ©

I Miss You.

The world is different in your absence.

The space next to me trembles and throbs at its' loss.

My shaky hands feel wrong without yours' entwined in them.

My skin doesn't feel like my own.

My empty eyes are leaking.

The tap won't switch off.

The light won't switch on.

It's dark and lonely.

It hurts everyday.

Every single part of my body mourns.

It is like each limb on a string, is a puppet to my mangled heart.

The pain cuts through me.

Deep and ragged, raging red.

I hold my breath and grit my teeth.

Waiting for it to fade into a gentle ache.

In the middle of the night I wake up with tears streaming down my face, clutching my chest as it bleeds.

Everything is wrong.

Without you living feels false, like my glassy smile.

Every step I take I turn to look for you.

Each second I am waiting for your pleading call.

I fall asleep with your name on my lips and your tears in my eyes.

And wake up every morning wishing you were lying next to me.

But you have gone

And this day is erroneous.

This week. This month. I am simply functioning, no longer alive.

Just waiting for the next day, the next week, year.

Waiting for the pain to leave or for you to show up.

The world feels faulty.

I feel defective.

Hollow, numb, useless.

It's so easy to forget our grey

when the world without you is so deadly black and cold.

It's so easy to ignore the scar when

this open wound clots and the pain surges within my very core.

The bare space where my heart was throbs incessantly.

I am so lost without you.

I miss the chaos that was us.

I miss your smile, as well as my own.

I don't want to live without you.

But what other choice do i have.

G ©

Crazed

I hear you.

In the back of my mind.

Whispering, whimpering.

I know you are all alone in there,

Confused and afraid.

I feel like I am going insane.

I guess if keep talking to myself, I am.

No one else is here except the walls

and their hollow echo.

No one seems to know my struggle.

Is anybody out there?

Do they even hear you?

I hear you crying out.

What else can I do?

I talk to you, comfort you.

Maybe that means I am going crazy.

Maybe that means I should be locked away.

But I hear you.

How can I ignore you,

Shivering in the corner.

Alone in the dark.

Damaged beyond repair.

Your wings broken.

Your heart numbed and deadened.

Your dreams limp next to you, perished.

You are to pathetic to ignore.

So I sit next to my friend.

I comfort you.

My tearful eyes looking back at me.

I will never leave you.

Maybe this means I am going insane.

Maybe this is the first sign of madness.

I don't care.

You are pretty good company.

Alone in the dark with myself.

G©

Mamma Earth

I am so sorry Mamma.

I know I have disappointed you. I am a disgrace.

I deserve to be condemned. I am your shameful child.

And I long to be punished.

I long for my guilt to dissolve by your reprimanding.

To feel the sting of your cold glare.

But you just smile, your love shining warm on me.

You have given me the world,

opening your loving arms, you shared your wealth with me.

You shared your mystery.

You have given me the sun to rise to and

Stars to wish on every dark night.

You blessed me with the salt of the sea and

Dark secrets of the forests.

You have given yourself, everyday.

You have given me your all without even been asked.

And in turn I have turned my back on you.

I have abandoned you.

Even though I can hear your silent sobs in the back of my mind.

I can see your scars, your open bleeding wounds, your disease.

I see you precious flesh on my hands,

My clothing soaked with your blood.

I am killing you.

My beautiful mother I shall be your demise.

I do not hold the dagger in my hands but

I stand aside and watch your murder.

Each day is another torture to you my precious mother.

Each day the cruelty of my brothers and sisters continues.

Their brutal blood lust continuing, growing,

Expanding with each day that passes.

Yet there is not a second that passes where your beauty and love fades.

You just keep giving of yourself, you keep sharing,

Even though we no longer deserve it.

Mamma you are so brave.

Not once have you complained, but I can see you are falling apart.

I can see under it all you are weakening.

As they rip at your seas, destroying all the magic you have created there,

I see you shudder.

They brutally slaughter your children, savoring their forbidden flesh.

Causing extinctions and death, taking lives that were not theirs to own.

I can taste the tears in your eyes as they poison, rape and leave you abandoned in the baron dirt.

A newborn child is murdered by her mother.

My brother is left on the side of the street

to take his last breath alone, in a pool of his own blood.

The sun and the stars are hidden by our filth.

The forests evaporate before our eyes, their secrets long lost in the wind.

My Mamma, what have I done!

Our hate is so thick in the air, we choke and suffocate on it.

Guns and bombs kill thousands, while armies smile on-all in a days work.

How do we kill our brothers over land and religion and pride.

Mama we have no pride, our land is your flesh and our religion is a cult.

I don't know what beast we have become.

Families torn apart, children left orphaned.

Pain and tears, death and lies.

Walking, talking skeletons, dying a slow painful starvation, when others are indulged to a point of disgust.

Have we all gone insane!

We look at images of our brothers starving, our sisters been raped, our children murdered, our mother exploited while we eat our dinner at night, in our safe little bubble, unfazed by these heinous crimes.

Desensitized, the soulless, dark creatures we have become.

What has happened to us, we have become barbarians. Demons, pure evil.

Everyone sees it happening, everyone hears your screams of pain and despair yet we carry on with averted eyes and hard, cold, black hearts.

My mother, my creator, my nurturer, my love,

Maker of all that is pure and beautiful, magical and untainted,

My poor dear, precious Mamma,

What have we done.

G©

Numb 2

I can not feel anymore.
The tears have stopped flowing.
When I eventually feel their salty warmth,
the pain does not intensify.
My heart does not throb, or jump or scream.
I don't even feel them slipping past my eyes onto my pillow.

I don't feel happy but I don't feel sad.
Surrounded by this radiant laughter and happiness,
It seems to hover on the outside not penetrating my core.
I feel my lips curve in a familiar smile.
But I don't feel the joy glowing inside me.
The flashing of my teeth only done by habit.

I receive bladed words from your sweet lips,
But they don't seem to cut at my skin.
Even as my clotted blood pours from my flesh,
Pooling around my feet.
I can not feel the pain.
I can not feel your thoughtless loathing.

I feel like I could simply float away.
Disappear into the sky.
Fall asleep and never wake up.
This would not upset me.
I am on the outside of this world.
Looking in but not truly here.

I am not suicidal.
I don't want death or pain.
But I do enjoy the numb.
Just darkness.
I want to slip into the black
and feel its peace fog and surround me.

My brain has finally taken control.
My wounded heart has shutdown.
Its wings have been broken, its spirit shattered.
Warm anesthetics is bled through my veins.
My body drinks it in, enjoying this welcomed numb.
Looking in through this hazy glass.

Finally I feel safe.

G©

Flesh

Do you see my desperate, tear-filled eyes?

Can you feel my searing fear, my pulse raging, my heart racing?

How can you not hear my piercing screams of terror and agony?

I look pleadingly into your eyes as you rip into my flesh,

but they are empty and cold.

I don’t understand. I don’t know what

I have done to deserve such pain.

Why am I been punished? Abused in this violent, monstrous way.

I trusted you. The betray is lodged deep inside my heart.

I can feel it ache.

The sent of fear is thick in the air.

I chock on my own blood, I feel it been drained from my body.

I struggle in a frantic yet futile attempt to escape.

This pain is unbearable.

My body suspended in it, drowning in your vicious hate.

I feel the blade slicing my skin, I feel it cutting deeply into my flesh,

I hear my warm blood splashing onto the cold concrete floor.

Terror, forces frenzied sobs out of my mouth.

It sounds like gurgling.

I can hear my families terrified cries. I hear them struggle,

battling to banish their own cruel, excruciating torture.

My blood reflects in your eyes, they are red, diabolical.

The panic and pain battle inside me.

Eventually the pain exceeds all else.

I can only feel my body been ripped apart, piece by piece.

The draining of my blood is excruciating,

the sound of each drop leaving my flesh is unbearable.

So this is how I will die. Surrounded by the death of those I love.

In this cold, sinister room.

Murdered by a man with blood thirsty eyes.

This is how my short life will end,

In fear and with a pain that does not belong in my world.

In a pool of my own blood.

It is all too much, my poor, suffering body longs for death.

I wait for my last breath. I long for this diabolical torture to end.

As the hours pass, I slowly feel my life leaving this world,

The pain ebbs, my struggles slow as my body weakens.

And eventually my pure, gentle soul leaves this body.

My peaceful existence terminated.

You took my life like it was yours to own.

I have been exploited in the most agonizing, heartbreaking way.

I hope you remember the fear in my eyes,

My pain-filled sobs.

I hope you remember me as you dig into your warm dinner tonight.

Remember my blood soaking your clothing,

staining your hands as you sit surrounded by those you love.

I hope the image of my lifeless body, dangling by a chain,

my tongue hanging from my mouth, my eyes wide with terror,

haunts your dreams at night.

Was the loss of my life, the loss of a soul so gentle and peaceful,

was the cold blooded murder of this life

really worth the taste lingering on your lips?

G ©

Tangled Within Me

I frantically search the clutter of my mind,
rummaging through haggard old memories and tarnished dreams.
Tripping over fading laughter and healing wounds.
This dark little hole filled with questions I can not find answers for.
Gaps in the sunshine that radiates from a life well lived.
It is like parts of me have been lost in a warped glitch of some kind.
Like there is another me somewhere else living out 

the rest of my life.

Holding the missing pieces, their mind brimming with 

the answers I search for.
They wear the key to the door around their neck.
Taunting me in my reflection, protected by its unbreakable glass.
The smile of a familiar face from another world.
How can I live if I am not whole?
How do I survive when I have nothing left to put my hope in?
The hazy area surrounding me feels hollow 

even though it is overcrowded.

My panicked voice echoes. Reminding me just how alone I truly am.
The space inside me begins to ach from the torn outside in.
Clutching at my self I try to hold the pieces together.
Forcing the unbearable ripping inwards.
But each time it seems to get more difficult to stop this onslaught.
This realization.
Sitting here alone with my clutter,
Searching for something I will never find.
I don’t think I know how to go on.

G ©

Indian King

You shipped me off to a land unknown.

I had a function to you.

You made my life about your purpose.

Like a machine or product,

At your disposal.

I am only flesh and bone, blood and nerves.

You called me feral, invasive, nuisance,

As my function was incomplete.

Why do you call me such things?

In my land, the land you stole me from,

I was loved, I was love personified,

A farmers friend, a valued being.

Treasured and adored.

Now I am shunned, despised,

A thief and filthy squatter.

This is on you hands.

You have made me into this savage.

You kidnapped me from the place I called home.

You had no right.

You trapped me, caged me.

You are to blame.

Any blood spilt is yours to clean.

It smears your hands, thick crimson.

I am just trying to live in a land that is not my own.

I am an adapter, a survivor, a hero.

A beauty you will never understand. 

  

GW ©

I Don't Know Much

I don't know who is wrong and who is right.

I don't know which is the correct path to follow.

or where the right way to turn is.

I don't know any of the answers to any of the questions that you ask.

I don't know what the future looks like

or how today will end.

I don't know who to believe or who i should listen to.

I don't know up from down,

right from wrong.

I don't know if i should stay awake

or if i fall asleep if things will look clearer.

I don't know why it has to be so complicated

or if it will ever be easy.

I don't know what to say to make it better.

I don't know what I want or what you want,

or what will make us happiest.

I don't know how long we have to wait.

I don't know if things will fade.

I don't know if its me or if its you.

I don't know if i can save you or if you will save me.

I don't know if we met too young.

or if we were ment to meet at all.

I don't know if our journey will end tragic or happily fade.

I don't know if i should do more

and if so i don't know what to do.

I don't know if tomorrow brings you sunshine or if it will end in rain.

I don't know if i can live without the things i need.

or if i want to.

I don't know if i am stuck been me while you be you.

I don't know if wishing on stars work.

or praying will help.

I don't know if love conquers all

or if you need a little extra, a little more.

I don't know if it would make me happy to follow.

I don't know if it would satisfy you.

I don't know if it requires more effort

or if i should just wait and see.

I don't know if i should follow the darkness

or let the light brighten my soul.

I don't know if the answer is yes, it might be no.

I don't know if i would survive if i stay or if you go.

I don't know if we can close our eyes and things will

change when we open them again.

I don't know if fairytales are real.

or if dreams always come true.

I don't know if i will change my mind

or if i will feel different tomorrow.

I don't know if we should drive slow,

or move fast.

I don't know if sanity is the path to follow

or if i should diverge onto the rugged path of insanity.

I don't know if i should be brave and walk on or

dissolve in tears on the floor.

I don't know if i should close the door or leave it wide open.

I don't know anything at all,

but I love you,

and that's all I truly know.

G ©

Goodbye.

We stand face to face.

I can feel your breath on my skin.

Our eyes searching.

We know we can never be the same.

Our inevitable apocalypse is here.

The falsehood of our dreams has 

finally come to light.

As the darkness takes over,

I welcome it.

For the darkness has always been 

my most loyal companion.

As you turn to walk out the door, 

I allow myself one last guilty pleasure.

I allow my heart to pump, to swell and 

breath you in.

I bask in the fallaciousness of our love.

I enjoy the warmth my body feels

as your face flutters before my mind.

For one last time I submerge myself in 

this delusion.

Absorbing it deeply into my deepest soul.

Painfully i drag myself back to reality.

I clutch your hand before you dissolve 

from my world. 

Ripping into my chest,

tearing through the flesh and allowing 

the warm moisture to engulf my hand,

to drip into the cold concrete.

Saturate me.

I grip my fragmented heart, feeling its 

gentle beating on my skin, I rip it out of 

my chest and gently place it into you hand.

Now you have everything that's yours 

you may leave.

And please don't ever come back.

G ©

Connect

I want to connect my soul to yours.

To tear open your flesh and join the jagged pieces of you to me.

Connect to the bone.

I want your blood to dilute mine and your skin to knit into my skin.

I need to consume you.

To tattoo your very being into the deepest part of me.

To carve your smile on my core.

I need to feel your heartbeat in mine,

your breath filling my lungs.

Connect, bone to bone, flesh to flesh.

I need to consume you.

G ©