Numb

This tiny lost, insignificant soul.
Just a speck of dust in the grand scheme of of things.
I feel inadequate.
Small and average.

I didn't realize you could make me feel like this.

You smile but your eyes look past me,
Or your smile just doesn't reach the crinkle of your eyes.
You listen but only till someone else has something better to say.
You drift away from me, drawn by something more.
A moth to the light.

I feel like I am your shadow.
So close to you, yet not fully apart of you.
I am invisible.
Sitting in this crowd I have never felt more alone.
If I just let these tears fall no one will even notice.

I used to feel strong at your side.
Your queen.
I used to feel beautiful on your arm.
Your muse.
I used to feel treasured and loved.
Your precious jewel.

No longer do I feel these things.
Abandoned, average, mundane, repellent.

I wonder why I am here.
I wish I could leave.
I want to run.
Run and never look back.
Run till the tears smear my face and the wind stings my skin.

Then you turn to me and smile like you mean it.
You look deeply into my eyes and say words that gently kiss my soul.
Your hands frantically search for my body like its essential to your survival.
And it begins to feel like it used to be.
It blissfully feels like home.

Till you turn away again,
forgetting my existence
or simply distracted by something more interesting.

I sometimes wish I could not feel at all.
No more of this hot and cold.
This rock and hard place.
I long for numb.
I long for nothing but a dull pressure within my heart.
For the tears to stop springing to my eyes, threatening to spill.
For the sadness to leave my heart and the fear to be banished from my mind.
I long for numb.
Nothing but dull, senseless numb.
I would dive into its darkness and submerge my all in its warmth.

G ©