Friday, July 30, 2010

The Crows.

Well I don't know if you know but I have a secret obsession for crows. I think they are beautiful, dark and mysterious. I feel like they belong in another world other than our own, like they are watching us, smarter than we give them credit for. Anyway moving on, so I found this image and have fallen in love with it. I wish I had thought of the idea and painted it. I am not sure who did but he or she is awesome. This piece makes me feel something deep inside my core. So I wanted to share it. Do you like it? G

My Mood In Words.

I have had a really tough few weeks. Nothing is going well. The world feels wrong. And I feel like I am drowning on the very air I am breathing in. So it seemed appropriate to put my mood into words. These are a few fitting quotes I have found. Enjoy. Just keep breathing. We are alive and I guess that is a positive. G

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Hidden Path And The Looming Rainbow.

I haven't posted in a long time. To be honest I haven't been in the mood to do anything at all for a while now. Things don't seem to be working out at all how I saw them happening. In actual fact they are working out the opposite. Its funny how life happens like that. (not really funny ha ha, more peculiar, with a hint of darkness sort of funny) Without realizing it, I seem to have grown up really fast. I have in the past month realized my exact value and what I deserve in this life. How I should be treated and treasured. How I should hold myself above all else. I have learnt that you teach people how to treat you. I have learnt that no matter how much you want something to be, doesn't always mean it will be. And I have learnt that I need to think more with my brain and less with my heart. I feel I have stepped into a new world. Not a perfect, nirvana world, but the real world. It is good and sad all at the same time. (Even though I currently feel numb) But trust me this revelation did not come without pain, loss and many tears. I have realized that just because we have a plan, just because we have hope, trust and belief doesn't mean things will work out how we see them. Sometimes there really is nothing you can do. And even though it seems unfair and cruel it doesn't mean there isn't a better path waiting for you along the way. A path that you have not even thought possible. A path that leads you to true happiness and fulfillment. If you are not laughing loud and crying hard you are not doing life right. We live, we love and we learn. And with those lovely clich├ęs, I will sign off saying, tomorrow is another day and even though today is dark and stormy, I know my rainbow will come. I just need to wait it out and heal my wounds.

Here is to rainbows (And even though I am now thinking like a rational adult, I still believe in wishing on stars) G :)

Mamma Earth

I am so sorry Mamma.

I know I have disappointed you. I am a disgrace.

I deserve to be condemned. I am your shameful child.

And I long to be punished.

I long for my guilt to dissolve by your reprimanding.

To feel the sting of your cold glare.

But you just smile, your love shining warm on me.

You have given me the world,

opening your loving arms, you shared your wealth with me.

You shared your mystery.

You have given me the sun to rise to and

Stars to wish on every dark night.

You blessed me with the salt of the sea and

Dark secrets of the forests.

You have given yourself, everyday.

You have given me your all without even been asked.

And in turn I have turned my back on you.

I have abandoned you.

Even though I can hear your silent sobs in the back of my mind.

I can see your scars, your open bleeding wounds, your disease.

I see you precious flesh on my hands,

My clothing soaked with your blood.

I am killing you.

My beautiful mother I shall be your demise.

I do not hold the dagger in my hands but

I stand aside and watch your murder.

Each day is another torture to you my precious mother.

Each day the cruelty of my brothers and sisters continues.

Their brutal blood lust continuing, growing,

Expanding with each day that passes.

Yet there is not a second that passes where your beauty and love fades.

You just keep giving of yourself, you keep sharing,

Even though we no longer deserve it.

Mamma you are so brave.

Not once have you complained, but I can see you are falling apart.

I can see under it all you are weakening.

As they rip at your seas, destroying all the magic you have created there,

I see you shudder.

They brutally slaughter your children, savoring their forbidden flesh.

Causing extinctions and death, taking lives that were not theirs to own.

I can taste the tears in your eyes as they poison, rape and leave you abandoned in the baron dirt.

A newborn child is murdered by her mother.

My brother is left on the side of the street

to take his last breath alone, in a pool of his own blood.

The sun and the stars are hidden by our filth.

The forests evaporate before our eyes, their secrets long lost in the wind.

My Mamma, what have I done!

Our hate is so thick in the air, we choke and suffocate on it.

Guns and bombs kill thousands, while armies smile on-all in a days work.

How do we kill our brothers over land and religion and pride.

Mama we have no pride, our land is your flesh and our religion is a cult.

I don't know what beast we have become.

Families torn apart, children left orphaned.

Pain and tears, death and lies.

Walking, talking skeletons, dying a slow painful starvation, when others are indulged to a point of disgust.

Have we all gone insane!

We look at images of our brothers starving, our sisters been raped, our children murdered, our mother exploited while we eat our dinner at night, in our safe little bubble, unfazed by these heinous crimes.

Desensitized, the soulless, dark creatures we have become.

What has happened to us, we have become barbarians. Demons, pure evil.

Everyone sees it happening, everyone hears your screams of pain and despair yet we carry on with averted eyes and hard, cold, black hearts.

My mother, my creator, my nurturer, my love,

Maker of all that is pure and beautiful, magical and untainted,

My poor dear, precious Mamma,

What have we done.

Numb 2

I can not feel anymore.
The tears have stopped flowing.
When I eventually feel their salty warmth,
the pain does not intensify.
My heart does not throb, or jump or scream.
I don't even feel them slipping past my eyes onto my pillow.

I don't feel happy but I don't feel sad.
Surrounded by this radiant laughter and happiness,
It seems to hover on the outside not penetrating my core.
I feel my lips curve in a familiar smile.
But I don't feel the joy glowing inside me.
The flashing of my teeth only done by habit.

I receive bladed words from your sweet lips,
But they don't seem to cut at my skin.
Even as my clotted blood pours from my flesh,
Pooling around my feet.
I can not feel the pain.
I can not feel your thoughtless loathing.

I feel like I could simply float away.
Disappear into the sky.
Fall asleep and never wake up.
This would not upset me.
I am on the outside of this world.
Looking in but not truly here.

I am not suicidal.
I don't want death or pain.
But I do enjoy the numb.
Just darkness.
I want to slip into the black
and feel its peace fog and surround me.

My brain has finally taken control.
My wounded heart has shutdown.
Its wings have been broken, its spirit shattered.
Warm anesthetics is bled through my veins.
My body drinks it in, enjoying this welcomed numb.
Looking in through this hazy glass.

Finally I feel safe.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Do you see my desperate, tear-filled eyes?

Can you feel my searing fear, my pulse raging, my heart racing?

How can you not hear my piercing screams of terror and agony?

I look pleadingly into your eyes as you rip into my flesh,

but they are empty and cold.

I don’t understand. I don’t know what

I have done to deserve such pain.

Why am I been punished? Abused in this violent, monstrous way.

I trusted you. The betray is lodged deep inside my heart.

I can feel it ache.

The sent of fear is thick in the air.

I chock on my own blood, I feel it been drained from my body.

I struggle in a frantic yet futile attempt to escape.

This pain is unbearable.

My body suspended in it, drowning in your vicious hate.

I feel the blade slicing my skin, I feel it cutting deeply into my flesh,

I hear my warm blood splashing onto the cold concrete floor.

Terror, forces frenzied sobs out of my mouth.

It sounds like gurgling.

I can hear my families terrified cries. I hear them struggle,

battling to banish their own cruel, excruciating torture.

My blood reflects in your eyes, they are red, diabolical.

The panic and pain battle inside me.

Eventually the pain exceeds all else.

I can only feel my body been ripped apart, piece by piece.

The draining of my blood is excruciating,

the sound of each drop leaving my flesh is unbearable.

So this is how I will die. Surrounded by the death of those I love.

In this cold, sinister room.

Murdered by a man with blood thirsty eyes.

This is how my short life will end,

In fear and with a pain that does not belong in my world.

In a pool of my own blood.

It is all too much, my poor, suffering body longs for death.

I wait for my last breath. I long for this diabolical torture to end.

As the hours pass, I slowly feel my life leaving this world,

The pain ebbs, my struggles slow as my body weakens.

And eventually my pure, gentle soul leaves this body.

My peaceful existence terminated.

You took my life like it was yours to own.

I have been exploited in the most agonizing, heartbreaking way.

I hope you remember the fear in my eyes,

My pain-filled sobs.

I hope you remember me as you dig into your warm dinner tonight.

Remember my blood soaking your clothing,

staining your hands as you sit surrounded by those you love.

I hope the image of my lifeless body, dangling by a chain,

my tongue hanging from my mouth, my eyes wide with terror,

haunts your dreams at night.

Was the loss of my life, the loss of a soul so gentle and peaceful,

was the cold blooded murder of this life

really worth the taste lingering on your lips?

G ©