A Little Bit Of Happiness

Here is just a little piece of cuteness to brighten your day. (I want one!!!) G :)

Just click here for some happiness!!!

My Fresh New Canvas!

This last weekend I went out shopping with my boyfriend, W and he inspired me to buy oils again. He knows I have been trying to re-boot my creative juices after a very, long mental block (what I like to call my deep, dark, black hole) and since he is pretty much my biggest supporter for anything I do artistically, he forced the desperately needed inspiration into my dried up creative mind. Thank goodness for him! 

Anyway, so we went into this little arts shop and I got a full supply of shiny, new painting stuff... from canvases to linseed oil. So here I am prepared to let the caged artist in me loose. And I am so excited! I am so excited that I am so excited! But I am utterly terrified at the same time. 

I haven't painted in about 3 years and with oils, about 7 (back in my school days)! I am completely terrified I have forgotten how. I am feeling totally out of my league. 

I used to love to disappear in my own little, fantasy world of light, tints and colours, where anything was possible. I used to stay awake till early hours of the morning, with my earphones in, painting, getting high on turps and covered in oils. I lost all track of time when I was painting, nothing else in this world mattered. It was amazing, I love to paint. It brings back so many fond, warm feelings deep inside me. But as the years went by, somewhere along the way I lost it, I got a job and never found the time and slowly my paint dried up and my painting stuff got moved into storage. It's all very sadly pathetic really. 

But now I have this new lease on painting, free reign, no one marking me, no deadlines, no set topics... just all me and my ideas... and it terrifies me. I know all I need to do is just blob that first bit of paint onto that crisp, untainted, pure, white canvas and I will be halfway there, but it's not as easy as it seems. Since buying my new supplies, I have constantly been in search for the perfect topic, the perfect moment, the perfect mood. (I think it's all just my usual, procrastinating self, mixed in with the nerves) 

Well my studio awaits, fresh with promise and freedom, I just need to dive right in and let the paint swallow me whole, before the dust settles and I loose my nerve. Maybe I will paint a crow :) G

Confused.

I am so confused.

Lost in this maze we call us.

Trapped in this cage we call life.

I feel abused, cheated, fooled.

I fell in love.

It was obvious.

How could I not.

With you been you and me been me.

We played out our dance

and destiny befell us.

You were my venus fly trap.

You swallowed me whole

Swirling inside you,

there is no escape.

(not that I am looking for one)

Even though I sense I may be sacrificed.

The lamb for the slaughter,

I do not flee.

How can I, with you been you

and me been me.

You stole me from my own world,

and bought me to yours.

It is dark and lonely.

Every day and every night.

You are the only light in this pitch black.

I long to go back to my world.

To feel the warmth of the sun,

Have it sting my eyes with its brightness.

But you will not stay.

You always seem to be walking away?

I am so confused.

I feel abused, cheated, fooled.

I loose myself in this dark hole,

falling head first into its sticky blackness.

Refusing. 

I wane back to my safe little world.

Allowing its comforting stability to engulf me.

But now I am alone.

Your laughter echos in my mind,

you smile haunts my thoughts.

I am so confused.

I feel abused, cheated, fooled.

G ©

Impersonal Love Letters.

I found these really cute, completely impersonal love letters... and thought they were brilliant just for a bit of fun! :) G

Meet Ebony

Meet Ebony. She is sad and misunderstood and all she wants is to be loved. Some say love her at your peril but she is not that bad. I am not entirely sure people are ready for Ebony the bird of darkness but she is here and she wants to be heard so you better listen. She can guide you if you let her. I love Ebony. :) G

Inspiration For A Tuesday.

Bird On The Wire - Leonard Cohen
 

Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
Like a worm on a hook,
like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee.
If I, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you.

The Future - Leonard Cohen 

Give me back my broken night 

my mirrored room, my secret life 

it's lonely here, 

there's no one left to torture 

Give me absolute control 

over every living soul 

And lie beside me, baby, 

that's an order! 

I'm Your Man - Leonard Cohen 

If you want a lover 

I'll do anything you ask me to 

And if you want another kind of love 

I'll wear a mask for you 

If you want a partner 

Take my hand 

Or if you want to strike me down in anger 

Here I stand 

I'm your man 

Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye - Leonard Cohen

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm, 

your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm, 

yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new, 

in city and in forest they smiled like me and you, 

but now it's come to distances and both of us must try, 

your eyes are soft with sorrow, 

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye. 

 

Skeleton Birds

Meet the skeleton birds, they are just a bit of fun on a early week spiral. They make me happy and sad at the same time. Awesome. :) G

Todays Tit Bit.

Ordeal - Nina Cassian

I promise to make you more alive than you’ve ever been.
For the first time you’ll see your pores opening
like the gills of a fish and you’ll hear
the noise of blood in galleries
and feel light gliding on your corneas
like the dragging of a dress across the floor.
For the first time, you’ll note gravity’s prick
like a thorn in your heal,
and your shoulder blades will hurt from the imperative of wings.
I promise to make you so alive that
the fall of dust on furniture will deafen you,
and you’ll feel your eyebrows like two wounds forming
and your memories will seem to begin
with the creation of the world.

Appetite- Meg Irsay

I will swallow all the pain
all the joy of this world
the whole strange mix.
I will bite
chew
swallow
and digest it all
sending Love into the bloodstream
of the One Body.

Look at the plants that chew the rocks
and release the same minerals into my body
when they break against my teeth.
I too am food for life.
I desire to be broken
to be chewed
to be swallowed and transformed
into the bones
and flesh
and blood of the Truth.

Look at me.
Smell me.
Gaze until your mouth waters.
Let your appetite build
and savor the empty space in your belly.
Move from your hunger.
Come and take a bite.
You are not stealing.
You have been invited to this table.
Fill your plate.
Let me feed your heart with my heart.

The Death Of A Butterfly

Have you ever noticed how when you get older everything turns to stone.
Vivid colour fades to greys.
Pure sunshine is blocked by smog.
Darkness consumes all.

Through childish eyes I saw a world filled with magic and fairy tales.
Good always conquered evil.
Trust was a real and tangible force.  
The air was thick with faith and the sky with rainbows.
And love, love triumphed over all things.
As a child my parents showed me this world full of promise and enchantment.
They taught me love and to believe in things that seemed unbelievable.
To dream relentlessly.
To live vicariously.
I was promised a future filled with magic.
I lived in that world.
It was beauty personified.
It was perfection beyond belief.
I was Alice and I lived in wonderland.
Till I woke up.

And only now looking back do I realize how surreally amazing that world was,
at the time it was simply my world.
It was all there was.
The utopia of all worlds within worlds within worlds.
That was the world I grew up in.

But now as an adult I see the world through different eyes.
I feel like every one of my dreams have been stolen from me.
Each one taken from right before my eyes.
I don't like what I see,
it terrifies me.
Slowly one by one, my beliefs have been savagely destroyed by the reality of the world I live in.
Everything I believed in,
everything I was taught was a lie.
I don't understand nor do I want to know this world.
I want to hide away.
To run and never look back.
To forget everything that I now know, every image that taunts me.
To fall back down my rabbit hole and never to return.
I long to be a child again.
I have never felt this alone.
Before now I had never felt my soul shattering before.
But now I listen to it every day.
The painful sound of my deepest flesh been torn.
I wait for it.
Some say I am jaded.
But I believe I have just woken up.

I have lived such a winsome life so far.
I was shown love, happiness and laughter.
And I was taught and cherished.
I have had a happy life.
I have lived moments of pure gold.
But this was in the world of a child.
Another time and place.
Another me.

Now I am jaded.

See I believed in love.
A long, long time ago.
A love found in fairy tales.
A love that could not be stopped by any evil force.
A love that never dies.
A love that makes your heart beat faster.
It awakens butterflies you never knew were there.
I believed.
But that was the old world.
This is reality.
This is the real world.
A love like that does not exist.
Or it does but it is not strong enough to survive in this world.
Love is not always enough no matter how strong you believe it is.
Even a love that has lived through years of battle,
tears and laughter and still stands tall,
a love made for fairy tales,
A love made for the words forever and endless...even that love may not be enough.
Reality can destroy and does destroy everything, even that love.
Distance.
Differences.
Death of dreams.
Death.
What about happiness?
It is just just an illusion.
We hold so tight onto that old world,
a world that doesn't exist.
We fool ourselves to make getting up each morning easier.
This feeling of bliss, of hopeless love is just to get us through the darkest corners of the world.
It is not real.
All your happiness is a lie.
My happiness is a lie.
I have put on this mask, plastered with a smile and everything is fine.
It is a lie, but no one minds.
The world goes on,
it keeps circling,
spiraling out of control.
Everyday we live a lie in a world that is a lie.
Lies within lies.
Upon lies, Upon lies.
We hold onto the them,
Keeping them close.
Keeping us warm.
Everyday a butterfly dies.
Every day we become less than we were as children.
Everyday we we loose a little more of the magic.
And slowly all around us everything turns to stone. 

G ©

Numb

This tiny lost, insignificant soul.
Just a speck of dust in the grand scheme of of things.
I feel inadequate.
Small and average.

I didn't realize you could make me feel like this.

You smile but your eyes look past me,
Or your smile just doesn't reach the crinkle of your eyes.
You listen but only till someone else has something better to say.
You drift away from me, drawn by something more.
A moth to the light.

I feel like I am your shadow.
So close to you, yet not fully apart of you.
I am invisible.
Sitting in this crowd I have never felt more alone.
If I just let these tears fall no one will even notice.

I used to feel strong at your side.
Your queen.
I used to feel beautiful on your arm.
Your muse.
I used to feel treasured and loved.
Your precious jewel.

No longer do I feel these things.
Abandoned, average, mundane, repellent.

I wonder why I am here.
I wish I could leave.
I want to run.
Run and never look back.
Run till the tears smear my face and the wind stings my skin.

Then you turn to me and smile like you mean it.
You look deeply into my eyes and say words that gently kiss my soul.
Your hands frantically search for my body like its essential to your survival.
And it begins to feel like it used to be.
It blissfully feels like home.

Till you turn away again,
forgetting my existence
or simply distracted by something more interesting.

I sometimes wish I could not feel at all.
No more of this hot and cold.
This rock and hard place.
I long for numb.
I long for nothing but a dull pressure within my heart.
For the tears to stop springing to my eyes, threatening to spill.
For the sadness to leave my heart and the fear to be banished from my mind.
I long for numb.
Nothing but dull, senseless numb.
I would dive into its darkness and submerge my all in its warmth.

G ©